Saturday, February 6, 2010
That's a favorite word among the Deaf. It means, "Finally!" (: Anywho...
May I attest to something that has hit me hard this week?
Answers do not come until after a trial of your faith.
This is truth. I do not regurgitate some nice-sounding fortune I found at Happy Panda. This is scripture. This is life.
For months upon months I have suffered with a particularly grating mindset. I was stuck in a rut, mourning and missing a situation that I had lost and would never recover. I told myself, "Whit, buck up. You're a smart girl with other things to worry about. Go out and do some real, Christian service and you'll feel better." But alas, your brain can only beat your skull so hard with the same information that never fully reaches your heart.
But I had a dream this week. It happened after a particular day when the melancholy was thick and stifling. I dreamt that I had at my disposal a time machine and that I could pick one memory I'd had to go back and relive. In the dream I was so excited, but I ended up choosing a memory from years and years ago that was random and frankly rather awkward. As I was reliving that memory, I wondered to myself, "Out of all the experiences I could have gone to, I chose this one?"
Then I woke up.
So as I was preparing for the day I couldn't stop thinking about this dream. What did it mean? What could I glean from such a unique scenario my brain conjured up for me in the wee hours of the night? As I was hustling around, though, I had a thought: This particular time that I dreamt about may seem silly and even undesirable now, but at the time it was a wonderful experience; one of the better ones I'd had. It merely became what it is today because of better experiences I went through as I grew older. It reminded me that the recent past I long for right now will soon become a memory that is equally silly and undesirable because I will have experienced better. I had told myself the gist of this idea many times before, but at this moment while applying my makeup in front of my mirror at 7 AM on a Monday morning--I felt it. I felt an excitement resonate within me saying, "Look at this! Look at this! This is how you'll feel later on because you WILL experience better things for yourself."
I couldn't help myself. I started crying. I couldn't imagine ever internalizing the soothing words I kept administering to myself. I couldn't imagine ever leaving this experience of mine behind as just an experience and nothing more.
Since then I have tested the waters to make sure this wasn't a temporary fix. I've thought of specific instances that have previously brought a melancholy smile to my lips and an aching pull in my heart. It's changed. Now, when I look back on good times that I so yearned for not one week ago, I am happy. Those were good memories. The best I've had in that department so far. But how great it will be when I make better memories for myself in the future.
There is a fresh and fervid hope within me now. I am energized to push forward and store these memories in my toolbox in case I ever need to draw on my own experience to solve an upcoming problem.
The Lord has been merciful to me. He has changed my heart after I have stopped to let Him. Now, my world is looking up in all areas. I've got goals and prospects that make me glad to live my life again. I enjoy my waking hours more than when I sleep because I know that what I have ahead of me is much better than any fantastical journeys I travel in my bed.
Thank goodness our Father is patient with us. Had it been me, I would have gagged me after mere days of hearing the inside of my head. But there is an infinitely more loving and understanding Being who knows our needs and knows when we will be able to progress closer to Him. I encourage you all to find that patience with yourself. As long as you're keeping with the Lord, your life will start to look up.
Love to all,