A Clumsy Pondering on Asherah, Wisdom, Mom

I've been on a quest as of late to (re)connect with my Heavenly Mother.

Can I say, first of all, how grateful I am to be part of an organization that preaches (however quietly) the existence of an all-powerful/loving/knowing Mother who works alongside the Father to give us life, peace, and happiness? As easy as it can be to feel like a betrayal to feminism to remain active in an organized religion that practices patriarchal priesthood, the doctrine itself of the gospel I love has never made me feel secondary. On the contrary, there is a tangible power I feel running through me as I commune with my Heavenly Father.

But, after all this time knowing I have a Heavenly Mother, I've never really tried to seek Her out. Culturally, I've heard all the reasons, the main being that She's so sacred, Heavenly Father didn't want us besmirching Her name like we do His and His Son's. It just never made sense to me. I've always been a bit stubborn, though, so maybe while I was a Primary child expressing gratitude for Women's Rights, my Father in Heaven was tenderly shaking His head at how I bristled at femininity and the need to be protected.

But how would I know if I never sought after that relationship for myself?

I came across several portraits that touched my heart, one by the amazing, sparkling (is that a corny word? It came to mind when I thought of her) Caitlin Connolly.

It's been hanging in our house for months and I love the joint effort I see in it between our Heavenly Father and Mother, guiding us all back to them. It makes perfect sense, doesn't it? We're a family. All of us. The way the faces spill out from their clothes reminds me of how I would hide under my own mother's dress when I was little. There's something about the childlike relationship you associate with your earthly mother that instantly connects in a painting like this.

I also found this piece by Amber Eldredge that I immediately bought and now sits in my closet so that I look at it every time I get ready for the day.

This one struck a different chord with me. It caused me to reflect on my relationship with my earthly mother now. I don't know about all you women out there, but as a kid, I think my mom and I butted heads a lot more than we do now. I started calling her often when I was in college, telling her about every date I went on, crying after heartbreaks, eagerly gushing about the ambitions I had to write a novel. We became friends. My mom is now a friend I often go to for help, validation, or even just to hear her giddy laugh when I have some exciting news. The feeling of being peers grew when I had kids of my own and realized just how much she gave to me. This artwork brought that to my mind and I knew I needed to find my Heavenly Mother for myself.

Finally, Stephen answered my quiet, buried prayer I almost hadn't even heard myself by giving me this book:

Guys, I haven't even finished it, but I took so many screenshots of poems within that I realized I needed to write down my thoughts because everything was coming at me in one huge wave. Here are some of my favorite.

I'm at the beginning of this journey, so forgive me if this post is not as neatly tied and cross-referenced as some of my previous posts have been, but I'm only starting to feel the presence of my Mother in my life and it's been so sweet an experience, I had to write about it before I forgot.

After reading a few articles that discussed Heavenly Mother's reference in Nephi's vision of the Tree of Life, I felt like there was suddenly a new wave of studying to be done in my heart and mind. There were three essays referenced in these articles, "How to Worship Our Mother in Heaven (Without Getting Excommunicated)," "Nephi and his Asherah," and "Does God Have a Wife?" If I were similarly presenting a scholarly paper, I would reference each of my quotes with sources from these places, but as I'm just putting my thoughts here for you, my crudely highlighted screenshots should suffice. (:

Here is what I know so far, concerning Heavenly Mother:

1. She is the love of Heavenly Father.

I will forever be changed now when I read the "Love of God" in the scriptures. There is something in this knowledge that sets a higher standard for me in my relationship with Stephen. We have always seen each other as equals, and I am constantly amazed by his eagerness to Play Fair. He has never seen my drive or passion as a threat, but rather as a strength to our unit. In turn, I can follow my Mother's example by creating with my partner in tandem.

2. She is Asherah, who is happiness, dancing, singing, and joy.

To know that my Mother in Heaven is happy because she is a "creatress" hits home for me. I have often found a sense of guilt when I see how much joy I receive from my work of creating stories. And yet, how can I feel guilty for too long when I am again elated by another act of world-building? A smaller scale, mirroring what my Mother emanates in Her being.

While I am of course filled with immense joy at the growth and progression of my children, I've often wondered if that is to be my only creation that mattered. But here, I see a Woman who, side by side with Her Partner, created worlds without end, and had enthusiasm for it! Delight that spilled into dancing and singing, She could not contain Her elation concerning the work Her hands have made.

3. She is Wisdom, and she uses wisdom to create works.

I'm discovering that there are all sorts of reasons why Heavenly Mother's name Asherah isn't mentioned that much in scripture. But for those who still wanted to praise Her without having their writings redacted, She found a way into texts through many names. One of the names was Wisdom. It so clearly befits our Heavenly Mother to be wise as we often say, "Mother Wisdom" in everyday speech. We should not only seek wisdom to be like her, but we should seek Wisdom because that is her. Every time we enlarge our minds and expand our souls, as Alma says, we sing the song of redeeming love. We become more like our Heavenly Mother.

4. She's our Mama.

Seeing as so many have used trees to represent our Heavenly Mother, I thought it sweet to consider it in our Christmas traditions. Asherah is our Tree of Life. Just as our mothers do on earth, She aids us women in our own processes of procreation. And just as we see our own Mothers' faces when we first enter this world, I wonder if Hers was the last face we saw leaving the previous.

This is a lot for me to take in. But, suffice it to say, I want to encourage you all to seek Our Heavenly Mother. Speak of Her. She is half of our God. She is Joy, Wisdom, Love, Enthusiasm, Creation, Song--She's our Mom. As a woman who's never felt wrong, but never felt at home in the variety of connotations associated with femininity, feminism, motherhood, "strong-female protagonist," lady, etc. I'm realizing that I've always carried my Heavenly Mother inside me, and the pull from my heart when I draw near unto Her transcends any culture's attempts to define who I am/should be.

Seek Her, and you will feel a truth about yourself (male/female/otherwise) that transcends words as well.